Friday, August 9, 2013
Looking good, on the outside.
As is evident from this little old blog falling by the wayside, I have been in a state of thoughts all in my head and too scared for them to be in the written word. I may have looked to others that I have everything under control. But I have almost being paralysed with responsibility. Ruminating over and over about making the right decisions for our family. This state of perseveration (thanking you Jane) has sapped me of creative confidence and energy.
Choices that I have made have affected other people. I often feel so indebted to many and feel pushed and pulled in so many ways. I feel it deeply. It makes me tired and then I get cranky and irritable.
Essentially I like to keep our home life simple. Less is certainly more. We like a wholesome life, living by the seasons and taking our joy from nature and all its gifts. We live in one of the most beautiful towns of Australia. Wallabies hop by our front gate. Tawny frog mouths sit outside our door to sleep during the day. I hear the ocean from my verandah. We are safe and well nourished.
The young boy above, his eyes bear the truth, they ask me for my very best. Every moment, my actions will be how I will be remembered. Will he forgive me? Will he say one day "I hate you"?.
At least 10 times a day or more, now, he says over and over again " I love you Mummy" He also asks me, when I must have that frown line on my forehead, a face of worry and tension, "Mum, are you happy ?"
You see, I have just found this whole thing quite hard. Relentless. Simple things like just getting out the door without feeling like a crazy witch. The struggle to fasten the straps of the child car seat. Make lunch for preschool days. Stare at the fridge and wander what to cook. The struggle with daytime sleeps. Agonising over putting my son into daycare. (And now which bloody school). And the worst time of my parenting, toilet training. The simple things of motherhood have exhausted me.
On the other hand, diagnosing some rare neurological disorder, glimpsing abnormal pathology and acting promptly, no worries.
I know it is the cliche of the older professional Mother syndrome. And being caught between ageing frail parents who cannot be around to help.
I just wanted to put out there, I hope I have never made someone else feel less, because I looked like I have more. That I have looked good , but inside I am screaming.
At this moment, the house is all quiet. Night has fallen. The owl is calling out across the valley. Che had fallen asleep on the couch after family daycare without any dinner. I accidentally trapped his finger in the car door this morning as we were jostling to get into the car. He had a big cry and looked at me with those big innocent eyes. I fretted most of the day, feeling bad that I still took him to childcare. I called mid morning to see if he was ok. I mentioned how bad I felt to Heidi, our family daycare Mum as I came to pick him up. Heidi said, he hasn't even mentioned it all day.
I am blessed with this life. I get to live it. Big deep breaths. Everything will be ok.
Linking in with Maxabella, on her rewind linky today.